True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
