woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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