There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
