we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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