Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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