I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
