Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
