At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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