uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
