There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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