Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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