My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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