Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
