Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
