there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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