just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
