He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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