I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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