if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
