stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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