also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
