I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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