I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
