I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
