You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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