she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
