my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
