the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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