I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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