for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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