$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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