Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
