He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
