cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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