what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
