I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
ok first of all what the fuck
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
