I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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