I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
