I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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