tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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