I am midnight drunk by noon
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize