Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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