My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
