I'm eating all of the evidence.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
