This dress was meant to end up on your floor
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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