I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
