plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
