the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
