you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
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dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
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It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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