she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
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I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
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have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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