ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There's always time for handjobs
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
