For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
